Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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