(404): He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.

(404): In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.

(613): it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole

(1-613): im not talking about this

(302): It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

(631): You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up

(817): Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.

(610): Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups

(754): you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

(419): I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): Is that considered a cock block?

(208): the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.

(616): EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

(815): It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.

(403): I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube

(919): its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five

(816): Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!

(818): ...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.

(919): if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?

(903): I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house

(319): God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real

(651): A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.

(206): No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.