(405): i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

(617): O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.

(785): You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.

(585): I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out

(484): omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.

(678): I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.

(914): I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...

(719): I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.

(586): Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

(604): I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!

(313): It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.

(508): Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again

(901): great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.

(803): Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning

(816): FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...

(+44): I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.

(724): I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.

(917): Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days

(502): I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

(301): Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.