(702): I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?

(860): He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..

(832): Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.

(513): Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since

(651): 2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

(763): and u failed math?

(314): In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major

(208): We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.

(386): And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

(413): I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face

(321): Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today

(908): I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.

(401): Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant

(978): Good decisions....

(401): Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up

(281): thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.

(+61): I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!

(416): i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.

(303): But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

(443): He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.

(425): Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk

(954): all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser

(973): he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.