(336): I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.

(740): I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit

(417): Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times

(509): She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

(901): Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.

(785): She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.

(330): I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"

(619): So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...

(216): ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

(563): Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.

(313): if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it

(513): Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide

(515): Why am I always the sober one?

(641): Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...

(612): having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila

(305): Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back

(603): I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.

(717): just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.

(617): I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

(510): EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

(818): We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.