(417): I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Jun 20, 2011
(210): I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Oct 3, 2009
(719): I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Sep 3, 2012
(630): Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Jun 11, 2011
(302): She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dec 13, 2011
(602): I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sep 10, 2017
(360): I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Aug 13, 2009
(970): just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Jul 5, 2011
(757): Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Aug 26, 2012
(508): I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Mar 28, 2014
(920): They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sep 21, 2015
(304): my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Jan 13, 2010
(602): I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Apr 22, 2014
(701): For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Apr 21, 2016
(904): Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Oct 8, 2015
(714): I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dec 13, 2013
(225): I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
May 19, 2010
(321): Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sep 22, 2016
(440): I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dec 4, 2009
(402): That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Jun 13, 2014