(205): I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away

(425): I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed

(570): I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.

(301): He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.

(480): she looked like the bat from fern gully.

(253): drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA

(917): found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

(701): I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship

(678): Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again

(608): Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.

(+44): Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?

(609): Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?

(1-609): In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions

(248): break up sex still means we will always be broken up.

(425): I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday

(415): i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.

(925): We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.

(732): i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else

(215): Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it

(443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

(727): Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.