(204): There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"

(480): Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...

(914): she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.

(262): Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth

(330): yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon

(858): Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.

(804): is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?

(201): you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.

(516): i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

(484): We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.

(812): You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?

(651): she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.

(310): She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.

(517): how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind

(423): How'd it feel making her break her religion?

(415): you should be awarded for your promiscuity.

(1-415): i really should.

(206): I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

(832): I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

(267): In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.

(267): You should probably take note of that and make it happen.

(781): We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.