(303): I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
May 27, 2009
(519): currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Apr 14, 2012
(416): whose parrot is this?
Aug 11, 2013
(443): you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sep 17, 2009
(216): In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Nov 7, 2009
(816): Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dec 10, 2010
(619): I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Jun 7, 2010
(717): DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
(717): Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
May 10, 2011
(202): I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Nov 23, 2012
(440): Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Feb 17, 2010
(617): the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Jan 12, 2014
(907): I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Jan 3, 2013
(330): It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Jan 26, 2015
(508): Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
(508): I need new friends
Dec 12, 2009
(806): Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Jul 22, 2017
(618): I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Apr 18, 2014
(903): You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Jun 8, 2012
(314): I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Oct 17, 2012
(201): so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Feb 28, 2014
(718): knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
May 5, 2011