(850): It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.

(770): Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.

(480): You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"

(785): You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.

(386): Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.

(843): I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...

(508): Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it

(427): Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.

(228): I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.

(816): if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.

(732): the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back

(760): I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.

(315): The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.

(617): you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore

(508): it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10

(203): He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.

(412): Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.

(304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

(909): I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.

(925): you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.

(952): WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.