(774): I need rollerblades now

(774): Rollerblades pick up bitches

(317): I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.

(509): def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.

(404): she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

(856): i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

(636): Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.

(435): It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.

(781): I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.

(718): If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

(646): he was definitely tindering while i gave him head

(210): He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.

(248): THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST

(813): You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.

(215): So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

(619): pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story

(606): Do they take checks?

(1-606): Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

(720): my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.

(540): It was kinda weird being the boss

(1-540): Did you feel like Tony Danza?

(404): If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.

(254): Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.