(705): Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Feb 1, 2015
(203): Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Apr 21, 2010
(803): I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Oct 17, 2011
(513): you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dec 31, 2012
(443): There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oct 17, 2011
(516): I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Aug 23, 2011
(703): i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
May 22, 2009
(512): You surviving the open bar?
(1-512): Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Apr 25, 2009
(516): Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Mar 13, 2013
(410): In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Aug 7, 2009
(540): just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Apr 24, 2010
(512): we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Aug 28, 2009
(336): Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Jul 8, 2014
(+44): Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Feb 8, 2013
(201): i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Feb 13, 2010
(717): By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Jun 14, 2013
(714): When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
May 24, 2012
(204): We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Jan 16, 2012
(507): I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Jun 29, 2017
(815): remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Feb 12, 2015