(973): Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.

(519): I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots

(210): Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall

(404): Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.

(650): My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.

(505): I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.

(310): Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?

(303): I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.

(201): Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?

(413): he told me it was like eating gods vagina.

(703): Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer

(419): She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(

(330): I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.

(512): I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.

(586): Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.

(937): Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.

(262): I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.

(613): I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games

(713): Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds

(608): So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him

(608): Just another sign I need to get out of this town