(559): can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

(716): IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.

(954): I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.

(201): Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

(815): He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

(847): Do vagina's smell?

(719): The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom

(734): It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.

(508): My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night

(910): dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days

(1-910): you have got to get your shit together

(801): You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"

(586): What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.

(609): We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.

(201): Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?

(609): THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!

(479): DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

(302): I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.

(208): Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

(718): I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum

(424): please don't

(812): I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

(630): and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby

(1-630): Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?

(630): only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.

(1-630): Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here

(559): kristin has been a bad kristin