(814): I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.

(574): I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.

(530): If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.

(603): Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about

(760): Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

(619): This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.

(573): I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

(606): This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.

(509): somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.

(916): I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.

(253): it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.

(310): it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

(519): Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?

(508): Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar

(212): brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp

(412): Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.

(613): She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think

(954): You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.

(518): he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

(916): You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.