(850): She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

(239): Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."

(214): The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.

(813): Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad

(250): You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor

(386): How was the party last night?

(918): I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.

(808): doesn't he have a GF?

(248): that just means you have to try harder.

(248): i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...

(848): Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.

(818): why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?

(419): I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.

(1-419): Dreams are coming true for both of us.

(206): In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.

(215): You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.

(315): 3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.

(520): I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.

(305): The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

(415): I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.

(801): At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost

(269): Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."

(845): I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

(601): So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.

(1-601): Oh my god.

(1-601): The ballsiest level.