(402): apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.

(717): But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?

(630): The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.

(563): I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.

(478): this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.

(808): No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.

(513): No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.

(678): Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.

(602): Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it

(405): sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.

(606): after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

(402): Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice

(510): As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.

(360): A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.

(317): Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.

(402): I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

(620): Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.

(978): Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.

(404): There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here

(814): I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive

(909): He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.