(413): Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn

(940): nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

(323): Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.

(717): ...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.

(815): When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship

(902): i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian

(386): Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

(651): I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today

(330): Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard

(803): Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.

(248): I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"

(843): All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here

(912): I don't know if I should laugh or punch you

(734): How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?

(845): weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

(310): Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.

(508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

(516): Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you

(902): Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.

(310): The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear

(310): We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.

(541): So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.