(401): tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Jul 14, 2009
(717): I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sep 14, 2016
(248): im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Jun 2, 2011
(709): got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Sep 25, 2011
(484): Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Jun 2, 2014
(708): just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Nov 28, 2009
(914): Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Apr 28, 2010
(706): To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
(1-706): You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
(706): Touche.
Jul 31, 2013
(850): this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Aug 20, 2009
(843): There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
(843): I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dec 18, 2011
(613): Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
May 1, 2014
(314): I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Aug 25, 2009
(630): We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Jun 18, 2015
(616): I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
(+44): Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Sep 16, 2011
(658): Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
May 6, 2011
(267): Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Mar 4, 2010
(270): him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Oct 10, 2012
(409): I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Apr 6, 2013
(569): we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
(784): it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Oct 26, 2012
(509): why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dec 10, 2009