(920): The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina

(631): Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine

(732): I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY

(646): he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.

(724): Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it

(513): he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down

(734): What do you wear to apply at a strip club?

(618): i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything

(778): He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.

(972): Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy

(561): I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something

(410): I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic

(303): I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.

(630): I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.

(901): why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?

(810): Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words

(907): She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex

(405): We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER

(805): Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

(817): Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.