(360): Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Nov 29, 2016
(808): Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Mar 5, 2010
(303): How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Dec 8, 2015
(325): Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Nov 11, 2014
(757): Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Jul 20, 2010
(321): Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Jun 11, 2015
(305): Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Jul 11, 2011
(785): I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
(816): I'm there.
Aug 18, 2011
(563): This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
May 27, 2012
(519): I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
(1-519): I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Oct 28, 2011
(907): Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
May 16, 2012
(832): Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Oct 22, 2011
(315): why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Oct 10, 2010
(330): My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Jul 26, 2010
(609): I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Jul 11, 2013
(203): Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Feb 13, 2013
(847): Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Jul 24, 2009
(618): I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Jul 8, 2016
(615): Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Apr 27, 2011
(262): Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Jul 13, 2009