(831): i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila

(717): Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink

(402): I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick

(717): at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??

(630): If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday

(903): The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.

(409): He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.

(202): yo i have your phone

(202): ... oh so you probably won't get this message

(304): Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.

(619): THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO

(617): I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.

(630): You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.

(212): maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"

(971): Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.

(503): Preach sister.

(816): I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.

(313): thanks...oh and i got my period

(734): told you

(313): oh hush

(618): He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero

(618): I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.

(+61): i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit

(616): I supernannyed him into submission

(312): My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?