(979): Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.

(914): Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

(732): so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night

(512): So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

(336): If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed

(815): someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.

(815): If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.

(802): All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.

(217): her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...

(904): You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.

(763): there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

(303): accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...

(352): But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?

(715): sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night

(204): I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

(902): I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her

(774): He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".

(303): I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.

(440): the ladder is at the bottom of the pool

(319): Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint