(518): you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh

(405): woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo

(828): They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.

(504): Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras

(231): Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel

(513): Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room

(308): So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?

(704): If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.

(503): I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.

(314): It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot

(502): Why?

(314): Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never

(251): Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.

(785): Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.

(714): OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign

(732): please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

(813): Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?

(204): you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"

(971): the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

(847): She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

(510): I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.

(707): The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.

(562): she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend