(518): Only a mothe r could love this liver

(631): I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.

(909): so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes

(760): I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.

(337): I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun

(484): I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone

(810): So drunk its hurt

(586): I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.

(760): That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill

(705): I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?

(303): They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.

(215): We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.

(314): Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?

(734): The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"

(202): Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make

(815): Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !

(779): You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.

(505): Boobs speak an international language.

(647): All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.

(586): I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?

(206): cake and sex. what better combination is there.