(832): I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

(585): Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?

(239): I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

(1-239): You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

(345): so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper

(574): well at least shes not calling you fat anymore

(224): I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

(406): Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me

(304): Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.

(289): He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother

(423): I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.

(650): apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again

(828): if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.

(978): i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE

(760): You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..

(702): She's never allowed to turn 21 again

(678): so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

(601): It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?

(407): I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?

(913): Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!

(815): I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.

(949): It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.