(570): We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.

(207): If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.

(347): I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead

(303): I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

(973): Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.

(309): Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?

(518): ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens

(586): You're so nebulous sometimes

(404): If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.

(804): i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral

(530): I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that

(303): Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

(615): He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."

(314): shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.

(805): you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.

(307): mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.

(360): He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.

(480): Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

(740): how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?

(603): You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm