(775): If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Feb 27, 2012
(207): No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Jan 18, 2016
(707): I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nov 13, 2013
(818): Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
May 17, 2009
(778): I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
May 10, 2012
(612): If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
May 25, 2010
(613): We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Jun 3, 2013
(303): Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Jun 5, 2009
(609): So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Feb 15, 2013
(850): Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Jul 25, 2012
(210): The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sep 13, 2011
(214): I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Jul 10, 2009
(478): I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Apr 2, 2015
(719): never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Oct 5, 2009
(202): just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Mar 10, 2013
(605): I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Mar 31, 2010
(313): operation harelip BJ is a go
Aug 12, 2009
(901): We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Feb 27, 2013
(902): I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Sep 27, 2010
(732): Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Jul 9, 2016