(904): He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him

(902): I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".

(503): Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

(330): If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.

(419): Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...

(585): Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment

(425): Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.

(425): Sleeping with just one person sucks

(419): He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!

(512): At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..

(810): hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list

(989): haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters

(903): pop tarts are not kleenex

(250): i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.

(503): get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people

(520): My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.

(832): I didn't notice because vodka

(703): My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much

(727): I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.

(562): or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.

(501): He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.

(425): When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool