(+44): We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

(740): As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

(970): You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.

(828): Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

(612): My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.

(705): you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart

(425): I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"

(314): I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.

(248): On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

(641): We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

(+32): We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.

(509): There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.

(404): She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): So... What happend then?

(404): We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

(506): the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh

(207): I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

(240): Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

(1-240): Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

(505): Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?

(512): Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

(713): I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?

(410): it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral