(605): I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks

(970): I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.

(410): After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk

(318): I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.

(518): i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you

(646): I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE

(646): HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT

(646): GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT

(608): He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.

(847): I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting

(515): He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.

(213): His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.

(613): Sorry my hands just texted you

(336): just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15

(203): i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

(770): I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.

(201): Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again

(612): What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.

(937): I chugged that bitch with a dip in.

(614): You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.

(214): I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

(267): i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.

(518): I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.