(734): I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.

(570): I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."

(775): You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.

(207): I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.

(802): Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!

(425): I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later

(727): The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.

(845): She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

(714): Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT

(717): i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night

(402): I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.

(401): also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.

(774): WE ARE DOOMED.

(774): And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.

(860): it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure

(240): were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?

(301): yes! wait why?

(240): because i found it in my pocket this morning...

(859): you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

(713): i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better

(937): pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...

(404): He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

(716): Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.

(513): I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"