(847): You did not just nickname me "Nipples".

(610): spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.

(717): She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.

(757): Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.

(443): Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.

(301): I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits

(786): And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.

(414): Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.

(314): Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night

(484): In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained

(508): Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.

(347): I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.

(202): I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.

(972): My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

(314): Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.

(44): What's everyones problem with my costume?!

(1-44): It looks like a unicorn came on your face.

(707): I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude

(314): We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love

(410): I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera

(253): Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.