(248): Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.

(630): i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate

(216): I don't usually arrange sex via text message

(336): This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

(507): I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point

(425): Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf

(910): I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.

(215): I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear

(416): Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.

(360): I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been

(858): threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter

(303): Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.

(917): ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"

(304): There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

(941): Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music

(785): Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?

(585): My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.

(646): we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

(219): you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

(646): nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

(250): By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.

(+44): Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.