(240): Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.

(504): Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea

(517): I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING

(415): She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

(469): The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.

(651): That bitch ruined vodka saturday

(816): Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?

(610): my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park

(770): if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?

(519): This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.

(708): Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"

(940): Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

(863): I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!

(270): Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit

(812): I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.

(717): He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.

(207): I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.

(403): I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.

(403): Come get me, I'm fucking scared.

(760): Joe is yelling at the trees again.

(515): We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.