I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
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I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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