the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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