I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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