I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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