Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize