(281): Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.

(+44): What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?

(401): i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.

(319): Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?

(510): I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.

(914): Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?

(306): had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!

(262): Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night

(406): Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.

(617): Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.

(1-617): Aw.

(704): Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him

(401): The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....

(1-401): Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.

(610): I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.

(778): Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.

(608): There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.

(314): I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...

(410): I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know

(413): I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha

(303): maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."

(843): In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.