(306): all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Jul 27, 2014
(435): Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Jun 17, 2011
(724): Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Apr 2, 2012
(479): There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Sep 22, 2017
(361): Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
(830): It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Jun 15, 2017
(604): I feel strange, like something is off with my body
(1-604): Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Jul 4, 2012
(206): Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Sep 22, 2010
(918): Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Apr 7, 2012
(701): I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Aug 4, 2013
(816): It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Sep 18, 2011
(585): So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Aug 25, 2011
(571): Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Aug 29, 2012
(253): dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Jun 6, 2009
(515): Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Nov 11, 2011
(330): Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Apr 15, 2011
(310): so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Jul 23, 2010
(804): just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
May 21, 2010
(207): He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dec 23, 2014
(740): Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
An archive of the texts no one remembers sending.