His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?