Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.