Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Send us your Text From Last Night!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.