The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
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He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.