we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
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just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."