She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
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I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"