He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Send us your Text From Last Night!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic