I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered