Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Send us your Text From Last Night!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.