she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
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I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now