Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
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just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
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he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..