The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
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I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.