I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
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So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
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we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
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we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.