He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Send us your Text From Last Night!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.