he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
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She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
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you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible