and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
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Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
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mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted