i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.