i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family