I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.