Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Send us your Text From Last Night!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.