what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
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then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing