From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
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He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.