And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
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Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
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There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.