He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.