Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.