Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...