You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.