just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'