Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
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The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
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He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
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I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.