You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
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I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
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I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes