This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
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Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR