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    (845): View more from New York

    I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.

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    Replies (11) Good night (924) Bad night (1814) Order T-Shirt
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    (703): View more from Virginia

    At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here

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    Replies (17) Good night (2089) Bad night (532) Order T-Shirt
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    (203): View more from Connecticut

    I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.

    (203): View more from Connecticut

    needless to say I left

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    Replies (15) Good night (663) Bad night (2866)
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    (908): View more from New Jersey

    It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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    Replies (15) Good night (24369) Bad night (864)
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    (617): View more from Massachusetts

    M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.

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    Replies (4) Good night (2846) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
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    (212): View more from New York

    They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.

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    Replies (3) Good night (1384) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
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    (978): View more from Massachusetts

    i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened

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    Replies (23) Good night (925) Bad night (7084) Order T-Shirt
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    (340): View more from US Virgin Islands

    just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?

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    Replies (17) Good night (804) Bad night (1614) Order T-Shirt
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    (717): View more from Pennsylvania

    You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS

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    Replies (40) Good night (9284) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
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    (847): View more from Illinois

    tweet Hawks Win!! tweet

    (847): View more from Illinois

    That's how twitter works, right?

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    Replies (12) Good night (1472) Bad night (856)
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    (850): View more from Florida

    come over anyways, right now, right this second

    (850): View more from Florida

    it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying

    (561): View more from Florida

    wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation

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    Replies (28) Good night (755) Bad night (2936)
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    (912): View more from Georgia

    I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.

    (678): View more from Georgia

    I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home

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    Replies (14) Good night (1380) Bad night (681)
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    (202): View more from Washington, DC

    he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!

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    Replies (9) Good night (1554) Bad night (426)
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    (970): View more from Colorado

    I want to walk on stilts...naked

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    Replies (14) Good night (1735) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
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    (918): View more from Oklahoma

    Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance

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    Replies (12) Good night (3227) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
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  • (859): The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow http://t.co/sQOeFAaf
  • (270): him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
  • (627): The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
  • (402): Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
  • (724): A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
  • (303): Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.

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