I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
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I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
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i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
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I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.