Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.