All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
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they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.