Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.