Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
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The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.