Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
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NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
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Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.