Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later