I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
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Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
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That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i drank out of a bidet.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.