she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
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When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face