you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.