He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.