dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?