Texts From Last Night

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(513): View more from Ohio

god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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(513): god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is" http://tfl.nu/c0jq

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(480): View more from Arizona

So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

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(480): So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction. http://tfl.nu/bt6f

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking

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(732): I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking http://tfl.nu/678a

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(248): View more from Michigan

He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it

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(248): He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it http://tfl.nu/3ch4

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.

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(724): so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca. (412): That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia. http://tfl.nu/lbkk

Replies (84) Good night (2481) Bad night (725)
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(831): View more from California

There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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(831): There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college. http://tfl.nu/9iax

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(480): View more from Arizona

There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone

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(480): There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone http://tfl.nu/wpdv

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(845): View more from New York

no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.

(516): View more from New York

You wear Armani Exchange.

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(845): no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue. (516): You wear Armani Exchange. http://tfl.nu/2dtf

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(503): View more from Oregon

What's wrong?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.

(503): View more from Oregon

Pussy.

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(503): What's wrong? (1-503): Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans. (503): Pussy. http://tfl.nu/sltt

Replies (18) Good night (776) Bad night (2129)
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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94

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(718): View more from New York

don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.

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(718): don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time. http://tfl.nu/80vr

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(817): View more from Texas

why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?

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(817): why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"? http://tfl.nu/jsyi

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.

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(336): Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see. http://tfl.nu/n17o

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(858): View more from California

i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..

(720): View more from Colorado

yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures

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(858): i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume.. (720): yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures http://tfl.nu/ebwm

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(512): View more from Texas

If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.

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(512): If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch. http://tfl.nu/hocy

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