Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
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my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
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i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore