He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
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It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
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You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.