I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .